Quotes

"Of course I'm right. You're immature. You've been unable to adjust to the idea of war," the doctor told him.
"Yes, sir."
"You have a morbid aversion to dying. You probably resent the fact that you're at war and might get your head blown off any second."
"I more than resent it, sir. I'm absolutely incensed."
"You have deep-seated survival anxieties. And you don't like bigots, bullies, snobs or hypocrites. Subconsciously there are many people you hate."
"Consciously, sir, consciously," Yossarian corrected in an effort to help. "I hate them consciously."
"You're antagonistic to the idea of being robbed, exploited, degraded, humiliated or deceived. Misery depresses you. Ignorance depresses you. Persecution depresses you. Violence depresses you. Slums depress you. Greed depresses you. Crime depresses you. Corruption depresses you. You know, it wouldn't surprise me if you're a manic depressive!"
"Yes, sir. Perhaps I am."
"Don't try to deny it."
"I'm not denying it, sir,' said Yossarian, pleased with the miraculous rapport that finally existed between them. "I agree with all you've said."
"Then you admit you're crazy, do you?"
"Crazy?" Yossarian was shocked. "What are you talking about? Why am I crazy? You're the one who's crazy!"
Major Sanderson turned red with indignation again and crashed both fists down upon his thighs. "Calling me crazy," he shouted in a sputtering rage, "is a typically sadistic and vindictive paranoiac reaction. You really are crazy!"
"Then why don't you send me home?"
"And I'm going to send you home."
"They're going to send me home!" Yossarian announced jubilantly, as he hobbled back into the ward.
"Me tool" A. Fortiori rejoiced. "They just came to my ward and told me."
"What about me?" Dunbar demanded petulantly of the doctors.
"You?" they replied with asperity. "You're going with Yossarian. Right back into combat."

He was polite to his elders, who disliked him. Whatever his elders told him to do, he did. They told him to look before he leaped, and he always looked before he leaped. They told him never to put off until the next day what he could do today, and he never did. He was told to honor his father and his mother, and he honored his father and his mother. He was told that he should not kill, and he did not kill, until he got into the Army. Then he was told to kill, and he killed. He turned the other cheek on every occasion and always did unto others exactly as he would have had others do unto him. When he gave to charity, his left hand never knew what his right hand was doing. He never once took the name of the Lord his God in vain, committed adultery or coveted his neighbor’s (wife). In fact, he loved his neighbor and never even bore false witness against him. Major Major’s elders disliked him because he was such a flagrant nonconformist.

‘Well, Metcalf, suppose you try keeping that stupid mouth of yours shut, and maybe that’s the way you’ll learn how. Now, where were we? Read me back the last line.’
‘ "Read me back the last line," ‘ read back the corporal who could take shorthand.
‘Not my last line, stupid!’ the colonel shouted. ‘Somebody else’s.’
‘ "Read me back the last line," ‘ read back the corporal.
‘That’s my last line again!’ shrieked the colonel, turning purple with anger.
‘Oh, no, sir,’ corrected the corporal. ‘That’s my last line. I read it to you just a moment ago. Don’t you remember, sir? It was only a moment ago.’
‘Oh, my God! Read me back his last line, stupid. Say, what the hell’s your name, anyway?’
‘Popinjay, sir.’
…
‘Well, I don’t like it, Popinjay, and I just can’t wait to rip your stinking, cowardly body apart limb from limb.’